Scramble for “Dejected Stock Trader” Pictures Propels Getty Images to Single...
Seattle, WA – With almost every news source in the country scrambling to accompany its Monday “Dow Jones” articles with pictures of “dejected stock traders”, image database Getty Images was propelled...
View ArticleNader Refuses to Concede Election Until All Absentee Ballots are Counted
Washington, D.C. – Despite Barack Obama having already garnered 349 electoral votes, 79 more than are needed to win the presidency, and John McCain having given his succession speech last night,...
View ArticleGM Developing Car that Will Run Entirely on Burning $100 Bills
Detroit, MI – Designers at General Motors announced today that they are working hard on developing a new car that will run entirely on burning $100 bills. The car, slated to be named the Chevy...
View ArticleeBay Removes Listing for “Illinois Senate Seat” After Arrest of Gov. Rod...
San Jose, CA – As a result of the arrest of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, online auction giant eBay has decided to remove the Governor’s listing for an “Illinois Senate Seat”. The senate seat,...
View ArticleCoors Light to Release New Shotgunnable Can with Second Tab on Side
Golden, CO – The Coors Brewing Company announced today that they will soon begin offering Coors Light in a new “shotgunnable can” that will feature a second tab on its side to allow for easy...
View ArticlePresident Bush Strategically Omitting Presidency From Resume During New Job...
Washington, D.C. – In a meeting with reporters today, President George W. Bush announced that he would be strategically leaving his eight year run as president off of his resume when searching for a...
View ArticleMenendez Brothers Sign Contract to Compete in Double Stuf Racing League
East Hanover, NJ – Looking to create some publicity and inject a little more flair into its new Double Stuf Racing League, Oreo announced today that they have signed Lyle and Erik Menendez to a...
View ArticleObama: “The Road to Economic Recovery Begins with the magicJack”
Washington, D.C. – In his address to Congress Tuesday night Barack Obama was emphatic that the country’s road to economic recovery will begin with widespread usage of the magicJack, which would save...
View ArticleAl Gore Warns that at Current Pace, All Mana Will Be Tapped By Year 2030
Washington, D.C. – Former U.S. Vice President Al Gore stirred up another environmental controversy yesterday when, during a speech commemorating Earth Day, he revealed that at the current pace, all...
View ArticleWisconsin Orphanages and Foster Homes Now Full of Children with ‘Brett’ or...
Milwaukee, WI – On the heels of the story that former Green Bay Packer quarterback Brett Favre is thinking about coming out of retirement to play for the Minnesota Vikings, orphanages and foster homes...
View ArticleArrest Warrant Issued for Mother of Teen Resisting Breast Implants
Larely, CA – In the second case this week of a U.S. judge ordering the arrest of a parent failing to provide life saving medical care to their child, a Larely Judge issued an arrest warrant today for...
View ArticleMahmoud Ahmadinejad Hires Rod Blagojevich to Verify Iranian Election Results
Tehran, Iran – In an effort to quell some of the violence and protests that have been taking place in the days since Iran’s presidential election, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced today that he...
View ArticleDwindling “Governor Cougar” Placed on Endangered Species List
Juneau, AK – The World Conservation Union (IUCN) identified yet another endangered species today when they added the Governor Cougar (Puma congovernor) to its “Red List”. According to Holly Dublin, who...
View ArticleAmerica’s Hyperbole Reserve Dangerously Low After Michael Jackson Memorial
Los Angeles, CA – In yet another addition to the list of problems facing the United States, President Obama told reporters today that he is “extremely concerned” about how low America’s hyperbole...
View ArticleWikipedia Issues Formal Apology for Not Having “Cal Jammer” Entry
St. Petersburg, FL – Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales made a very heartfelt public apology today when it was discovered that the site does not have an entry for the late Cal Jammer, a male porn star who...
View ArticleOvercrowded Prisons Force Early Release of Carmen Sandiego
Valley State Prison for Women, Chowchilla, CA – The California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation was forced to grant an early release to super villain Camern Sandiego today after an influx...
View ArticleAbout.com Attempting to Court Canadian Users with Acquisition of Aboot.ca
In an effort to bolster their Canadian traffic, About.com announced today that they have acquired the Canadian domain Aboot.ca. The domain, which is a play on Canadians’ tendency to unconsciously...
View ArticleLooking to Raise Money, U.S. Government to Begin Offering “Clunkers for Cash”
Washington, D.C. – Looking to raise money after exhausting their $1 billion appropriation, the Car Allowance Rebate System, more commonly known as “Cash for Clunkers” announced that they will now be...
View ArticleNew “South Beach Runway Model” Diet Sweeping the Country
Miami, FL – Americans looking to lose some weight this year will have a new weapon in their arsenal as the new “South Beach Runway Model” diet is sweeping across the United States. Like the Atkins,...
View ArticleJapanese Whaling Fleet Kills Twitter Fail Whale
San Francisco, CA – Social networking and micro-blogging giant Twitter was dealt a major blow today when their iconic and often used “fail whale”, which alerted Twitter users of temporary outages, was...
View ArticleWhite Castle to Begin Installing Moats & Drawbridges at Restaurant Locations
Columbus, OH – Fast food chain White Castle revealed major renovation plans today when it was announced that they will soon begin installing moats and drawbridges around their 392 locations throughout...
View ArticleBP: “Oil Spilling Into Gulf of Mexico Will Repel Hurricanes this Season”
Gulf of Mexico Coastline, U.S. – Anxiety gave way to security today for the Gulf of Mexico region of the United States after oil company BP announced that the 5,000 barrels of oil spilling into the...
View ArticleCostly Clerical Error Results in European Union Bailing Out “Grease”, the...
Frankfurt, Germany – Clerical errors continue to wreak havoc across the globe this week. Just days after a clerical error caused the Dow Jones to plummet over 400 points in less than five minutes, a...
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